The Power of Story When Are Called to Wake Up

Wrestling through tough questions, messy redemption, and God's unending grace

Jillian Kondamudi is another beautiful soul I’ve had the privilege to bump into within this incredible community we call Substack. Jillian and I interacted briefly through a note she posted a few months back. There was just something about this brief exchange that prompted me to look beyond the surface. There, I stumbled across her personal account description, “unpacking the beauties and wrestles in knowing God.” These eight words resonated so deeply, they literally stopped me in my tracks. No more scrolling, no more searching. I had to learn more.

Her profound phrase so perfectly captured my own journey with the Lord. I knew right then and there, this was a woman of deep thought and even deeper faith. As she transparently shares her own journey through faith, I pray her encouraging and challenging words touch your heart as much as they have mine.

THE POWER OF STORY WHEN WE ARE CALLED TO WAKE UP - JILLIAN KONDAMUDI

Spiritually Distant

I grew up in the “Bible Belt” in the South, where most everyone would consider themselves a Christian. Without skipping a beat, I fell in line with them.

I studied who God was, memorized countless scriptures, and even led Bible studies. But under the surface, my relationship with God was estranged.

It wasn’t until later in life that I realized many of my non-believing friends embodied kindness, love, selflessness, and compassion deeper than a lot of my Christian ones.

On the flip side, there was a lot of hurt that came from those same Christians and their damaging, unorthodox ideologies.

What gives? I thought…

While I grappled with this reality, I pieced together what I viewed about God after faithfully walking with Him since I was a small child. I wondered if He was good. And if He wanted good for me.

I found myself in a spiritual crisis. Which ultimately led me to leave the church and God altogether for several years.

During that period of my life, I couldn’t trust Him. But I couldn’t trust anything else either. I had built my life foundation on a relationship with Him, and now it was crumbling beneath me.

But God was not shaken. He patiently waited while I fought through life without Him. While I felt I had been abandoned by Him, He was actually right next to me, extending extraordinary grace.

Life without God was very bleak. And terrifying. What was life? What mattered? Did I matter?

When I found my way back to Him, I had even more questions than before. I had trust issues that I worked out through some of the most grueling, beautiful, and redeeming couple of years.

It wasn’t until then that I recognized He didn’t abandon me at all. Instead, I had abandoned Him.

God’s response to my realization wasn’t to burden me with shame or to wag His finger in my face. He instead extended grace. Instead of anger, He loved me beyond anything I had ever felt in my life.

Christian expression, but inward emptiness

But I still had many questions about Him and the inconsistencies in His Church. To be honest, I still do. I am on a lifelong journey of knowing God and trusting in His goodness over mine.

We often throw around “Christianese” phrases and half the time don’t even know what we’re saying or understand how it’s supposed to tangibly change our lives.

What does it mean to be a Christian? And why does it seem like the modern church today doesn’t live out an active faith, or understand what it means to love or know God?

So many of us are missing something. And it’s big. Nothing is more important than to look within ourselves and find out what that is.

While we’ve been seeking godliness, we’ve missed God and instead grown inwardly focused and hypocritical.

While seeking comfort instead of the transforming nature of His love, we’ve grown apathetic in our faith.

It’s not only hurting us, it's hurting others, by giving a false example of what knowing God is all about.

In our apathy, many of us have missed God completely. Walking, talking, and acting like a Christian, but not really loving God. Have some of us enjoyed being around Him but not really loving Him? Do we really know God?

This issue isn’t new. It’s as old as time. As heavy as this sits on my heart, it burdens our Father far more.

The reality of knowing God isn’t easy. It’s not always raising our hands at church and expressing our neat, Bible-verse answer to every situation in life. In the church, we often focus on the expression of Christianity while avoiding our heart motivations or facing the tough questions.

Many times, God may feel distant. But it’s in our pursuit of Him that He meets us where we’re at. Because let’s face it, sometimes God feels distant or we question His goodness.

But it’s in our earnest pursuit of Him that our faith comes alive. It’s in the struggles of knowing Him that His goodness becomes more visible. And we limit the depth of our relationship with Him when we avoid the real, uncomfortable parts.

But if we’re too busy pursuing God’s gifts and not His heart, our backs are turned from Him. And we fool ourselves into performing for His love rather than accepting it freely.

Time to wake up

I feel the drowsiness inside the church. Have we gone through the motions and missed that we’re singing to a different tune?

This is what led me to start asking questions. Getting to truly understand who God is and peel back the layers of the gospel in a simplified way.

If you feel like you, too, are wrestling with the sense that something is missing, I would encourage you to reflect on your own relationship with God. Why do you spend time with Him? What makes you want to go to church, to pray, or to worship?

Of course, we won’t always have a perfect heart posture towards God. But our Christian walk should look like we’re slowly inching closer towards Him out of a desire for more.

Are we satisfied with too little out of our relationship with Him? He desires to give us life and to “have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Are we willing to earnestly seek it?

It’s time to rip the cozy sheets off our spiritually complacent beds and instead find the life-giving joys of truly knowing God. Even if it feels uncomfortable - it is worth it! He is worth it!

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Have you sensed that there is something missing in your walk with the Lord? How can you choose to go deeper with God instead of limiting Him in your life?

Let’s Share Stories! I hope you will continue to join me as we celebrate the power of story together. Click on the links below to subscribe or share.

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Jillian Kondamudi is a writer by night and Marketer by day. She currently resides in Seattle, WA with her husband Sunny and their two dogs, Maeve and Yoko. When she’s not writing, she’s mixing cuisines, creating new recipes while winding down with some jazz music.

Jillian Kondamudi grew up in the Christian church, in the very Southern state of Texas. Deep in the Bible Belt, most people referred to themselves as Christians. And yet, hidden beneath a deep theological knowledge of God, His love was often completely misconstrued and His gospel abused. Some have left the church and God completely or created a version of God they felt more comfortable with. And many others stay, going through the motions; but never really understanding the joys of knowing God.

These experiences have led Jillian to start writing on the joys and realities of walking with God. In most of her blogs, Jillian uses her own personal questions about God, His character, and the gospel to dig deep and discover what it all really means. To understand the beauty and the wrestling of knowing Him.

“Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And it will be a memorial to the Lord,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off.” - Psalm 55:13

God can make anything new. Where painful thorns grew in our lives apart from Him, His goodness can transform into the fragrant buds of the myrtle tree.