A Story of Grief, Friendship, and Hope for the Holidays

Dec 18, 2024

I first met my dear friend, Kendy Bowman, in the foyer of an extremely crowded auditorium. Two women out of hundreds found each other in a sea of people and sorrow. We separately traveled hours to attend the 2023 She Speaks conference and had been loosely introduced through photos and mini “bios” posted in a private Facebook group prior to the event. Though we had never met in person, when I read Kendy’s bio, I knew I needed to connect with her. While her signature curly hair helped her stand out in the crowd, there were so many women in attendance had God not divinely destined our meeting one another, I don’t know that I would have found her.

However, as we regularly refer to in Just One More Chapter, the God of creation knows how to connect lives and narratives in the most unfathomable ways. Within minutes of walking into the foyer, I was literally standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Kendy. I quickly introduced myself from the online group and we were rushed into the auditorium for the start of the conference. We decided to sit together since neither of us knew anyone else at the event. Throughout our time together, we shared our stories and a great deal of common grief.

This was the exact reason I sought Kendy out in the first place. I was desperate for someone… anyone, who could somehow sympathize with my disappointment and pain. I knew from Kendy’s bio that she was a new widow. And while, mercifully, I was not in her same situation, my life in that season was full of struggle (and in some cases still is). My only daughter had just been diagnosed with an extremely rare and dangerous spinal condition. I arrived at the conference just weeks after her recovery from a recent surgery. I was fairly resilient during the whole ordeal (which had been going on for the past 18 months at this point) so I assumed I was “strong enough” to go ahead and attend the event. While I knew I was hurting, I was shocked to discover the true state of my inner brokenness during this conference designed for Christian “authors and speakers.”

I was there to “pitch” a book I never had any intention of writing; a book about my family’s challenging twenty-year history and my own journey (and unwelcome title) as a modern-day wife of Job. I walked into that auditorium carrying more baggage than I understood. Somehow, meeting Kendy was THE catalyst for recognizing my own need for deep healing. It was the first time I sat with someone who could truly empathize with my heartache. Kendy exemplified Romans 12:15 “rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” No other words needed. During a time of prayer, the two of us stood up, holding hands, and wept… and wept as the congregation prayed over those who were struggling with sorrow.

We have each had our separate journeys towards healing since we first met, but our connection has remained. Kendy has been a true inspiration to me and so many others. Knowing Christmas is quickly approaching, and for many these days can prove difficult, I knew there was no one better to share a story for hope during the holidays than this beautiful heart who has run headlong towards the Lord and discovered there can be beauty in the ashes.

It was the second Christmas after my husband's death and I found myself, stockings in hand, at a complete standstill. Do I hang his stocking?? Should I display it somewhere else? Will that make it more difficult for us to see it hanging there? Unsure of what to do, I left the stockings in a stack beside the mantel for over a week, hooks ready, but without a decision. Then... one day I came home to a mantel full of stockings hung with perfection. My 10-year-old son, completely unaware of my mental battle, had proudly hung them all up. Decision made.

I lost my husband to an unknown and unexpected heart issue in September of 2022. When Megan asked me to share my story for this blog, she asked if I had any encouragement I could share with the grieving reader. I immediately thought of the stockings. However, I also thought of myself in this current season. I thought of my children, who are 25, 17, and 11. We're approaching our third Christmas without him, and while we have discovered a measure of healing and hope in the Lord, it is still so difficult.

We, as grieving people, have a new depth of life to wade through. We long for the thinner waters we navigated before. Sometimes, we even sailed through them with beauty and grace. Every day, we encounter unexpected challenges we never imagined facing. We now recognize that we took many things for granted... like getting out of bed, preparing for the day, staying mentally engaged at work, and participating in our kids' activities or sports. As time goes on, we learn to move forward with grief as our new companion. Slowly, the hard days are becoming fewer and further between. Grief and joy slowly learn to coexist.

And then, the holidays arrive. It can be crippling. What we perceive as progress can feel like it has been taken from us. Grief is not linear.

I really wanted to accept this assignment and share a magic remedy that has allowed my family to enjoy the fullness of lighthearted joy during the holidays. But the reality is… I don’t have it yet. Maybe one day I will, or maybe I won’t. Once you sit in the front row at a funeral, everything changes. We will forever navigate life with the experience of grief.

Can you relate? Maybe you are navigating this holiday season through grief or difficult circumstances and you find it difficult to carry on in your "normal" routines. Perhaps you are also tasked with making the holidays magical, while your heart is still broken, wondering if it will ever be "easy" again. When faced with such difficulties, how do we continue on? What do we do? Do we fake it?

I suggest we lean in. Here are three ways we are learning to embrace our new normal:

Rely on the Holy Spirit for strength each day

“On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, ‘Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.’By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive…” (John 7: 37-38, NIV).

Before grief, I had a strong faith and relationship with the Lord. However, I was able to easily put Him on the back burner and tended to rely on my own strength at times. I am no longer able to do that... nor do I want to. God has been so faithful to us in this difficult season of life. It is in the valley that He meets us; He sits in grief with us. He provides a peace that I cannot explain. Spending time in His word, or in worship, daily can help us draw strength to get through the next thing. The “living water” has never been so real to me. We have access to the power of the Holy Spirit.

Let go of what was

Learning to let go of others’ expectations can be freeing. God sees us, and that is all that matters. No one can tell us how to grieve, or how fast to move forward. No two grief experiences are the same, even within a family. I have lost a husband. My kids have lost a father. His parents have lost a son.

The holidays are different now, but we are doing our best to embrace them. We are grateful to celebrate the birth of Jesus, who my husband committed his life to serving and telling others about. Though it may be with heavy hearts we still get to do that!

Find joy in the moments

Just a few weeks ago, the kids and I went out to eat as a family and we laughed until we cried. We have not done that since before we lost Cameron. Although our hearts are still grieving, we were simultaneously filled with joy. We all left the restaurant with smiles on our faces.

The next week, my friend asked if I would be willing to let her decorate my porch for Christmas. I gladly accepted. Her words were, “The porch of the widow is over.” She became the hands and feet of Jesus to us that day. We now get to walk into our door with a little more joy each day.

We have also spent time volunteering this season. Proverbs 11:25 says “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.” My kids have told me they have felt the most “hope” and “joy” in the times we are serving others. For us this season, we have served at a home restoration and at a local bed & breakfast with a heart for serving widows. Each time, we met people who shared what God is doing and has done, in their lives. We stood in awe with tears in our eyes. We left feeling encouraged and knowing God is with us in this season.

I wish I could say we are moving toward hope and happiness without continued struggle. However, that simply isn’t true. We still experience moments of crippling grief. As we face this holiday season, we continue to learn to live with both joy and grief. We don’t quite feel like going all out for Christmas decorations the way we used to. And that is ok, we accept it.

We will always hang Cameron’s stocking and have even created a new tradition around it. Each year, I plan an experience for us as a family. I write it on a card and place it in his stocking. On Christmas morning, the kids get to reveal it by checking his stocking. Last year, we went indoor skydiving. This year’s experience is even better, but I cannot reveal it on the off chance they read this. 😊

I have not found the magic solution for navigating grief through the holidays, but we are slowly discovering hope as we rely on the Holy Spirit, let go of what was, and find joy in the moments. My hope for you and your loved ones is that you can do the same. This season, let’s keep our hearts and eyes wide open for the small blessings. They are worth celebrating. Let’s cling to hope as we remember the greatest gift of all – the birth of our Savior.

How are you discovering or celebrating hope during this holiday season?

A Story of Grief, Friendship, and Hope for the Holidays

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